*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
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When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this