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I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
Good advice.
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
*praying for world peace*
God:
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
My current situation
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
pictures of spider-man
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.