Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
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when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:”It’s too desperate.” J:”How’d you find out?” G:”I’m on both.”
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.