[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
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Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
The Sun
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”