I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
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[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.
okay run it by me one more time
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.