Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
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My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I told 9 to eat the ice cream straight out of the container, because I’m teaching her basic life skills.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
A spider built a web across a rarely used toilet in my basement so occasionally I’ll flush it for him so maybe he thinks he over a series of picturesque mountain rapids
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Was thrilled 2 weeks ago to find a mug actually large enough for my morning coffee fix
I just noticed a label on the bottom today
It’s a soup bowl
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket