my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
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for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
A choir of Spring onions
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…