Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
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ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
My dad.
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.