Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
You Might Also Like
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
eggs benadryl
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
You can literally say any Italian sounding words and pass it off as pasta.
I had bossatony micelli carbonara tonight.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
My greatest fear about not having children is that I might miss out on certain life experiences, such as getting caught in a bitter custody battle
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!