i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
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How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
[house hunting]
ME: I can see us settling down here
REALTOR: oh you have a family?
ME: *taking realtor’s hand* not yet
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”