what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
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Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?
This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
My husband won’t stop playing Call of Duty on his phone… with his friends… with no headphones. I would like to request one murder hornet please.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Shower sex be like:
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*