If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
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I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently