Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
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*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
Me: How did my surgery go
Surgeon: I’m afraid this will be difficult for you to hear
Me:
Surgeon: I accidentally cut your ears off
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside