I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
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Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
8 yr old: as you can see in my business plan, it’s a macaroni & cheese/dinosaur chicken nugget fusion food truck called Tyrannosaurus MAC.
Bank loan officer: *hands kid trunk full of money, turns in 2 week notice*
TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.