I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
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peeping toms
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
Was just up a ladder *very obviously* mending the roof when a man ambled over, stood at the bottom and eventually called up ‘Mending the roof are ye?’
Got to reply ‘Aye, once I’ve finished unblocking this sink.’ Never felt more powerful. I am majestic. I could grow antlers.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Why do meteors always land in craters?
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope