I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
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[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I’m just playing devils avocado here
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
Me: How was dinner?
Husband: Good!
Me. Just good? What could I have done to make it better?
Husband: …
*Next night*
Me: How’s dinner?
Husband: It was fantastic! Amazing!
Me: Don’t patronize me.
Husband: *sigh*
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no