My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
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“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Mountain Goat : )
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*