It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
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What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
My Guy
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
*doesn’t eat, sleep enough, drinks too much alcohol* WHY DO I FEEL LIKE SHIT