When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
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“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
<- sleeps well with others
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Important news x ( everyone needs this on a Monday morning )
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
Said the murderer.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
people see me spend money and think im rich bro im just irresponsible
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.