We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.
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If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
When your man makes a valid point
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Facebook memories be like
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second