My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
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ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son