“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
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There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
me: this is so crazy it might just work *opens latch to let out hundreds of pigeons that I have tied to me*
her: nope just crazy
me: *covered in pigeon poo* you’re right I need more pigeons
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold