That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
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Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
[Gets cut off by a Pruis]
*Speeds up to cut off Prius then drops a banana peel behind me**Prius spins out of control*
Thug life.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.