Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single

Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.

I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.

Not all heroes wear capes.

Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.

[job interview]

“Tell me about yourself.”

I have a lot of experience.

“Great, can you elaborate?”

They’re bad experiences.

My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.

“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times

I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”

Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..

Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?

HS: ..blocking the pickles.

I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”

The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.

I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable

the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth

me: a lot of people are saying that

The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations

Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

me: I don’t like other people’s kids

them: how old are yours?

me: I don’t have any

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it

how was your vacation