we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
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Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?