I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
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Lucky old June.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Interior design 👌
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness