My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.
You Might Also Like
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?