ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
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When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Hitlers gonna hitl
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Hey babe…wanna come over and fold me like a fitted sheet?
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
“HAHA WTF LMAO OMG LOL HAHA WTF LMAO LMAO HAHA LOL OMG LMAO LOL WTF LMAO” – Birds at 6AM
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car