Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
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Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Before kids: I’m going to age like fine wine.
After kids: I’m aging like cheese. Left outside.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.