Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
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At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*
so weird how every mom was born today
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
Nature Fact: baby bears are born with fur because a mother bear can’t bear to bear a bare bear
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
I’m starting to think that the Facebook status update I liked has had absolutely no influence on Government policy at all …
[middle ages]
King: my soldiers should wear suits that is more protective
Queen: *are more
King: babe that is brilliant
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
Fiction has to make sense.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
Wife: he has no sense of adventure. he even refuses to ride a roller coaster
Therapist: go on
Me: oh so you’re taking her side now
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times