John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
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Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
Vin Diesel: Is it fast?
Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.
Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?