<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
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My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
The Face ID on my phone doesn’t recognise me when I’m smiling. It does, however, recognise me when I have a mouthful of food.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
I wish I could veto my bills.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Him: drink?
Me: I have a boyfriend
Him: I have a goldfish
Me: What???
Him: I thought we were talking about shit that don’t matter
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
interviewer: would u say ur driven
[cut to my mom waiting in the parking lot to drive me home]
me: oh yes
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?