I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
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thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Kid: I love you so much!
Me: Aww, baby, I love you too.
Kid: No mom, the dog. I love the dog so much.
Me: Yeah, I love the dog more than you too.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I wish I were this cool 😂
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
When you can’t find your friend Neil
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
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One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.