The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
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There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)