ME: What’s this bit here?
NURSE: …his heart
ME: Hm.
NURSE: Your résumé said you were a surgeon
ME: My résumé says a lot of things
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Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Auto correct is my worst enema.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Being rude underwater is snarkeling
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.