My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
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Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
me, welcoming someone into my small home filled with hand me down furniture and the random mess of life living: would you like a tour
person, for some reason: yes
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonald’s lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
meditation teacher: to enter into deep meditation you must embrace a cloud of unknowing in which you forget everything that you have learned
me: way ahead of you
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Fun game: Order food to be delivered to your mobile home and then lead the delivery driver on a high-speed chase through town.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
I found a few packages of paper towels at the grocery store today, so I looked around to see if I was being punk’d.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?