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Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.