Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
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If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
3% human
97% stress
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Fruit ninja: [about to strike]
Surprise car chase: [destroys fruit stand]
Fruit ninja: omg seriously
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*