I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
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i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
I’m the kind of girl people don’t look twice at
Even when I hit them hard with a shopping trolley one, two, thr…
Yep, now he’s looking
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
All this “Kaine is boring” talk is your reminder that nowadays Abraham Lincoln would have to know parkour or some shit
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.