Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
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If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our accupuncture session.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
incredible
Weird that humans evolved shins long before we’d need to find furniture in the dark
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
I pray every night that I never become religious…
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.