This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
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Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Guard: Sorry, no dogs
Man: But it’s a guide dog
Guard: Oh, ok
Guide Dog: And if you look to your left you’ll notice an insensitive jerk
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
5 yo- *being incredibly loud and obnoxious* I’m trying to bother that fly because maybe he will get annoyed and die.
Apparently I am the fly.
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
Why can’t I be rubied or diamonded. NOOO. I had to be jaded.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
Warm pools make me nervous.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again