I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
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I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
I wish they’d stop turning movies into musicals and make them ice shows instead.
I’d pay good money to see “The Godfather on Ice.”
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
john wicks are toilet candles
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia