All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
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I might carry a baby with one hand.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.
I find it lightens the mood.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”