kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
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sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
next level snooze
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
You had me at “define legal”.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.