A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
You Might Also Like
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
why this chick look like a soccer player posing for senior pictures
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
May have had one breakfast too many
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?