When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
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Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.