No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
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The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
[garden of Eden]
Adam: you’d be so pretty if you smiled
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to that snake
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
*you see a bear approaching*
“quick play dead!”
*bear runs up to you*
“OH GOD. WHO DID THIS TO YOU. ANSWER ME. WHO DID THIS TO YOUUUU”
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…