If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
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Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
cause of death:
autopsy.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Best misinterpreted text ever!