[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
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People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
[tsunami approaches]
Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.
Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
Don’t call me honey or baby if I don’t know you.
I’ll marry you and move my mother in with us and then you’ll be sorry.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
doing some research