[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
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In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument
me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.